The Name of the Wind was an absolutely brilliant book, I couldn't really have picked better for this Challenge.
The writing style of the Name of the Wind flowed so well and felt so easy to read. Always, when I have been writing, I have struggled with making chapters seem around the same length, but here Patrick Rothfuss just throws away with that and some chapters are little over a paragraph. Perhaps its not a new thing, but to me it is completely new to the usual schema and inspires me to pick up my pen again. Something I was hoping for!
A Graph to Show Pages Read Each Day
A journey almost as hectic and exciting as Kvothe's own!
In terms of reading I finished the book, as I said I would, at 8:00pm today. I hit a snag on the Saturday where I didn't read nearly as much as I meant to and so recovered for it today, in fact most of my day today was spent, laptop off, reading; Quite a feat if you know me.
The challenge, much like the previous one, has shown me what I can do if I put my mind to it; what I can achieve with a little bit of persistance, motivation, and, also, a deadline. Imagine if I turn my hand to other things in this manor, such as revision and coursework. I am definitely going to be aiming high in University this year. It's my final, most important, year!
A Graph to show Page Total throughout the week,
So I will endevaour to write and be more motivated. It's hard and I've said it before but hopefully I have recruited some of my friends to push me on this and soon I should have a few chapters on my hands.
It's a question that lingers on every readers lips. I can sense the excitement, the anticipation, the suspense of knowing how I am doing with my current challenge, that of reading "The Name of the Wind" in a week. Now for some the challenge is easy, some people read and don't stop reading. Some polish off a book in a few days, but for me it is a challenge. I need to read more, I need to stop just surfing the internet and doing nothing productive and this is what I have done.
So far we are on Thursday, we are over half way through the week so I should be over half way through the book. Well, lets see.
A Graph to Show the Ammount of pages read each day.
Wednesdays soaring success coupled with Tuesdays loss and Thursdays half-way status
On Monday, despite reporting I was off to a bad start, I managed to hit my target. I read into the night and, just when I was feeling tired and sleepy, just when my eyes were waining, I hit page 95, my target, and it just so happened to be the last page of a chapter. I was thrilled, I placed a bookmark and put the book down.
On Tuesday I got distracted, I woke up late, had a family meal, and wen't to the pub. By the time I got home and went to sleep I had read only 30 pages, leaving my well and truly behind.
Then there was Wednesday, my most productive day so far. Not only did I hit my target of 95 pages but I recouped all my losses from Tuesday and exceeded even that. On Wednesday I read a total of 179 pages. I was overly impressed with myself.
And that leads us to Thursday. Today, I have only read 46 pages, rather then the targeted 95, though I do not fear for there is still time left in the day. I am hoping, by the time I finally crawl into bed and lay my eyes to rest I will have hit 95, perhaps further, and I will be well on track to complete the book on Sunday.
A Graph to show book progress
Close but not quite there
As you can see, I'm not sticking to the ammont of daily pages, but I never expected to. The average was there as a guideline and so far I am sticking reasonably closely too it. I think I am well on my way for Sundays target. Lets hope.
Due to the success of the last challenge I decided to challenge again. This time, rather then writing, I am going to read.
On Friday, when Emma and I went to Stratford, I picked up a copy of 'The Name of the Wind' by Patrick Rothfuss as recommended by Andy and Nina. I chose the book based on the recommendations and also because it has been a while since I read fantasy, having been more concerned with Sci-Fi books of recent. Lets hope I find it gripping!
Challenge 2 awaits
I'm planning to read it all by next Sunday. My first thought, when picking up the book, was 'Oh, it's quite a lot longer then I thought' and I actually hesitated of going through with the challenge, but then I realised that its not that long, and it was entirely possible and also that if I didn't go through with it i'd let myself down.
It's 662 pages long. Thats 662 pages in 7 days, an average of approximately 95 Pages per day, and I will update again on Thursday to let you know of my half time progress.
So far I am off to a terrible start as I have been with my Family all day, but this evening I am going to atleast start myself off and, though I might not hit the daily average, it will be better then no reading at all!
This blog post is a bit late as my internet/laptop is now seriously going awry but I am here, typing away on my Mothers laptop before the 12 O'Clock deadline, not that I actually set a deadline but still.
This blog is the final blog in my Challenge and so it better be pretty climatic or you're all going to be dissapointed, right?
Well!
Today I've been hungover, to an extreme, while having to face the busy day of a Somerfield shift, and by busy I mean I did practically nothing for 6 hours and got paid for it. The reason for my state was because we went out yesterday evening to say Auf Weidersehen to Liz as she moves to Germany for a year as part of her course. As I mentioned in my first ever blog, apart from the ones explaining my blog, about a certain Daniel Winter, I think its a really good and brave decision. If anything I'm a combination of pride and jealousy and definitely don't think it would be anything to regret. So best wishes to Elizabeth!
I could talk again for hours on end about the value of new experiances but I won't bore you with that old spiel.
I've decided its only natural to asscess the Challenge, or Challenge 1 as it is going to be called. The aim was to get me to write more and post more blogs and as I have hit the target of Seven blogs, with this concluding the challenge, I think I have achieved that. It was a struggle and some of the blogs show this, due to time or inspiration constraints. The one thing I found didn't happen, which usually would with me, is my motivation didn't die and I looked forward to blogging, rather then procrastining.
The idea of Challenging oneself appears to me to be a succesful way of getting stuff done and I am going to try to utilise it in the future. The main reason for this, I think, is you make a commitment to yourself rather then something easy to break you actually have goals, which really do help. Another reason is, as i've mentioned before, you, the public. As I am blogging if I fail everybody knows and I have to strive to achieve so I don't look silly so thank you to those of you that have followed and read.
A graph to show the 'hits' recieved each day of this week on my blog.
The highest hits I got were when I advertised on facebook, these were in the 20's, the lowest I got was 4, one of whom I know is myself.
As the graph shows, I had a few readers, even if they might just be one person refreshing, but it kind of shows who bothered, or just who was bored on Facebook. A few people have gotten back to me, often with encouraging words, which makes me think maybe I do have something to say afterall, and now the challenge is over, and I dont have to think of a topic each day and thus exhaust most my thoughts, maybe I could go back to writing at least one a week, and I might actually have something interesting to say.
In the end its been very productive. I am pleased with myself and hopefully this is a new start. I'm also going to challenge myself more, and maybe I might start to be productive without such a structured method. I will blog again tommorow with what this weeks challenge will be, maybe you will follow that too.
Ok this might have been a bit of a rushed topic and a rushed post in general but its a post. I am very much reminded of blagging out an Essay just to have something to hand in. It's rubbish I know, but forgive me, I tried and I think I scraped a Pass. Maybe a D?
I've had a busy day today involving going to work, sorting some stuff out on my car and handing in my resignation to Somerfield.
Since I am finishing work and should really start packing for Univeristy I'd like to reflect back on how Summer has been. I have really enjoyed this Summer despite not having done much. Though i've missed some opputunities, such as climbing with Andy, Sid, and Nina, I have done other things like going to Portsmouth with Dan and Nina, and Stratford with Emma.
I've also managed to work this holiday and, despite it having worn me down to the point where I can't wait to leave, I have some funds ready to start back at Uni and to help pay off any overdrafted I've used up this summer.
It's nice not to stay in one place for too long. Derby was getting boring by the end of the year, there was little to do, and little to see, but Solihull has been a refreshing change, especially considering I was dreading the Summer prior to it. In my opinion the Summer has been just long enough, I have reached the stage where I am begining to want to go back to Uni and see all my mates there, but I am not yet completely sick and bored of being at home. As all my mates from here begin to leave and go off to different parts of the country (and in one case world) it will be time for me to move back and begin a third year.
It's interesting how life can be split into segments, such as 'Summer' or 'Uni', and because of the Education system I never think of 'Years' as being 1st Jan - 31st Dec, Years are what they are in Edcutation terms now. There are years where I started new and bigger schools, years where I made new friends. Though its hard to recall them all at any one given moment there are so many different memories clustered in my head surrounding each part of my life and I very much look forward to what the future ones bring.
If I was to make a prediction, as to where the next year will lead, it is one of great and happy times, though also one of sad departures and one of fear of the unknown. The next year brings the coming of an End as I will finish University, along with my housemates. It will be hard and challenging, but it will be an amazing memory.
I am pleased to say I am someone with many friends but rather then a blog ode to friendship I want to consider the journey friendship takes, from stranger to loved one.
In my life I've had many opputunities to make different and wonderful friendships; School, College, Work, and Uni, to name the most prominant occasions. Sometimes its obvious who will become a friend and sometimes it's those obvious friendships that end up being distant memories for any number of reasons.
I find it interesting to muse on how I first met some people, sometimes I knew people for many years before they came friends, sometimes I didn't even like them. Andy, one of my best friends for instance I disliked to begin with. Sid, and Caolan, both went to the same Junior school as me, and every school there after, but it is only the recent years, since late secondary and college, that we've properly become good wholesum chums who I know and love now.
On the contrary to this some people I have taken instant likings too have turned out to be people I don't particually like, or want to talk to, in the long run.
I suppose it just means that everyone out there has possible potential to be a friend and that some friendships take long winding journeys, while others are a little bit more simple then that. Another thought is that some friendships just don't last, which is just the way things go. I look back on who I would say were my best friends in the old years and how we've grown appart and I don't regret it, at all, and the fact we're different people with different interests was inevitable. We should cherish the time we spent with our friends.
If you're reading this from Facebook then theres a chance we have atleast a few cherished memories. We should reminisce about them sometime!
I covered this subject right at the start of my blog when I told the world why I was setting it up but I figure it might be wise to cover it once more, especially as I am now advertising it to the world on both my Facebook and my MSN and hardly any of you will read the first post.
I don't claim for my blogs to be interesting, enlightening, deep or otherwise, I just claim that they are me; my thoughts, my feelings. The purpose in my blog, as a whole, is to encourage me to write more, lest I lose my literacy. It also stands as form of expression when I need to get something off my chest. You can find out what matters to me by seeing what I write about, I wouldnt express an untrue emotion, or an untrue thought. If it doesn't interest the reader it doesn't really matter to me as I blog for my own encouragement, my own peace of mind, and my own growth. If someone reads it and likes it, then that makes me happy as not only have I expressed myself someone else has enjoyed the expression. Not all expression is loved, and never will it be loved by everyone. I accept that.
At many times I won't feel creative, or I wont have inspiration, and then I find it hard to write. The beauty of using a blog for this is it comes down to how I am feeling at the moment. It may mean I range from cynical, to depressed, to overjoyed, and it may not keep a strict topic as some blogs do, but it allows me to express and to write without need for creative inspiration.
The purpose of this challenge I am setting, on the other hand, is to will me to do something. By saying 'this is what I am going to do, by this time' I am giving myself a deadline and, hopefully, helping myself to change. I advertise it, on Facebook, on MSN, because those who actually want to read it can do, and also because I have someone to monitor my progress. No matter how many people read it, be it one or ten, I still feel more focused on the challenge then relying souly on myself.
I thank those of you who have found the time to read my blogs, those of you who have encouraged or critised provide me with the drive to carry on the challenge.
They say you should be proud of who you are, and proud of what you accomplish. I'm proud of what I write.
I am a hypocrite. "How?" I hear you all scream. Well.
I often state how I love meeting new people! But I am terrified of new people, constantly concerned that I will give off a bad 'first impression' and I will from then on be regarded with anything from disgust to pity. But I like having a new collection of friends, to span who I know and who I can learn from and, after the initial 'meet' after a few times when I am comfortable, I then love having this new person in my life.
Another way in which I am hypocritical brings us to the main subject of this blog. I would like to say I enjoy trying new things, and doing new things but in fact I am not a massive fan of change. Change scares me and quite often I wont do anything. However, this is fear of change is changing as I am trying to grasp hold of new experiances and be more spontanious!
Today I spontaniously went to Bournemouth with my friends Dan and Nina. Ok, maybe not too spontaniously. It was planned, but it still had a sense of randomness to it. Dan is currently a student at Bournemouth Univeristy and he had some resits. What would have cost him £80+ on the train only cost him £30 in petrol and I offered to drive him down; not only to save my friend money but to do something different. Mondays blog mentioned how I waste so much time and just don't really do as much as I could so I relished the opputunity to just do something different.
A spontanious picture of Nina and Me in Bournemouth. Well ok, it was preceeded by 'Lets take a picture for my Blog' so it wasn't that spontanious
So Nina and Myself spent most the Day, from 8:30 till 4:30, in Bournemouth, chilling, chatting, taking photos, and exploring the town while Dan, the poor sod, spent the day in exams. It was thoroughly enjoyable, for Me and Nina atleast, and it shows just what a bit of change can do.
How many times do I wake up, spend a day doing nothing, and go to bed. Or if I have work, I will go to work, then come home, and go to bed. When I do do something it is usuall the Pub, which in Solihull is normally the choice of Feildhouse or Spoons. It's nice to do something completly different, even if it's a drive to a rainy seaside, and it shows that this sort of change, either spontanious or planned, can be a good, possibly even great thing. Not only did it get me out the house, not only did I do a favour for a friend, not only did I get to take photographs and thus be a little bit creative, but I feel it broadened a friendship aswell. So many good and positive things from one simple change to everyday.
Everything requires a single step to begin and it strikes me that it is usually that first step which I find the hardest.
I've never been one for motivation.
If you've met me, or read any of my blog before, you will know that I procrastinate with pretty much anything and everything. When I entered writing competitions I left it till the last minute to write my entry, obviously not proof reading or planning it properly. Now, I by no means think I could win most of these competitions, but I'd stand a better chance if I put some effort in. What always hits me is the "I'll do it later" attitude and it persists untill the last possible minute. This happened with my IS, my Independant Study, the piece of work that is going to help me pass my degree, the piece of work which, without, I fail. Now at first I didn't know it had to be in so early, so I began to stress, then the longer I left it the more stressful the thought of it became, so I didn't touch it. Days turned to weeks and weeks to months and it became increasingly apparant that I needed it sorted, but the idea of it scared me.
But then it clicked... It takes one single step to get it moving. All I had to do was email lecturers to see if they liked my Ideas. If they didn't, start again, but if they did it meant I had a direction to go.
One step, and I could have a destination. One step, and I could stop stressing.
Now in a way you have helped me with this. By setting this Challenge, to write seven articles, and by having people read it (I know atleast a few of you are reading every article, and for this I thank you) it gives me some motivation. I knew that I wanted to write about 'that first step' but I knew I couldn't write about it without first doing it. So I forced myself to send off emails about my IS, so I could write about it in my blog.
I rely too much on other people. I am relying on the fact that I have some people reading this to make me write, otherwise, knowing me, I would probably have given up. But I figure, by starting this I am starting a change. By setting the challenge, even with minimal support, I am sparking a change in myself where hopefully I can get over the first little step without you. Not that I don't appreciate you all! I think you're just dandy! But I do need to be able to encourage myself, and to just start doing things in life!
From now on, he says, I am going to jump that first hurdle more easily each time till it doesn't become a challenge anymore. Obviously it may take a while, and obviously I will still procrastinate with somethings, but, overall, I am going to make an effort to do something a bit more worthwhile with my time. Whether its on my own or with others.
So, here's to change; here's to getting up that first step.
I'd like my first blog, the first of the seven, to start on a positive and most upbeat note. Though I have no news myself, no tale of recent joy, there is something I read a day or two ago that touched me:
I recently saw this blog. Shown to me by my friend Oli. The blog shows letters and postcards written by two friends, Lenka and Michael, and sent to everyone in the town of Cushendall, Northern Ireland. That's 467 letters of varying shapes, sizes, and subjects. Despite the News report on it, posted at the top of the blog, where some people say its scary and confusing, I, personally, think it was lovely and really just showed a good nature to some people. It really made me smile. There are a lot to read, but go ahead and read one or two, or ten, or twenty. I think if we all got a message like that it would just make us that little bit more happy. It makes me happy just reading the ones these other people recieved!
It does makes me wish I had more letters though, and I think when I am at University I shall write some to my Grandparents. I think they would like that. I have a pack of 12 stamps, (1st Class!) I was going to use them to enter writing competitions but when my motivation died, as it always does, I was stuck with them. I am now making it my aim to use them all up when I am back at University.
It also made me appreciate just being happy with what is and, in a similar vein to this, I am currently addicted to the song 'Not Perfect' by Tim Minchin. (As my Lastfm will testify) Though there are the small pieces of humour in the song, I think it shares a powerful message of just appreciating what you have and loving how things are. Things are not perfect, a sentiment I couldn't agree with more, but sometimes we should just be a little bit more grateful for what we have. I am usually pretty cynical, or pretty grumpy, but at the moment I'd like to think I'm grateful; Even if its just for this moment.
With this competition I am endeavouring to write something new and fresh every day for seven days and I am hoping not to sink into a tireless and bitter rant like I used to. I'm going to, hopefully, write about something positive. It will hopefully spur a change where I am happier and more willing to try new and creative things. Perhaps I will send out some letters, or you will send some to me! I'd give you my address and everything.
In Psychology we are meant to do an Independant Study, or IS. This involves coming up with our own idea in a area of psychology and conducting a study within that area. With the help and guidance of a tutor we create the idea and the means of study and hopefully produce some sound results. This was presented to us a few months ago and we had to put it together and contact tutors about it. At the time I had a few ideas and I mused on it, but I never contacted tutors. Partially this was due to my shyness rather then my unmotivation, I don't like talking to people in authority really or talking to anyone that I don't know. This includes managers and things at work. So I put it off. It would always be at the back of my mind but come the time I wanted to look at it I was busy with coursework and exam preparation. So I procrastinated to the best of my ability till the end of my exams untill I found out it was meant to be complete and signed off by that time. From then I was scared of talking to tutors, thinking I would be turned away from it, and the longer I put it off the more frightened I have become. It has gotten to the point where it is now incredibly late and I realise this but now I am so terrified of contacting incase it means being thrown off, or delayed, from the course. Psychology is such a main enjoyment of mine that I can't let this happen but I have to contact tutors now. I am sending the first email tonight in hopes that I will be advised.
... makes Shaun a Dull Boy. Is what I would be typing on my antique type writer in a Jack Nicholson-esque manner if I actually had an antique type writer and could do anywhere near a good enough Jack Nicholson impression.
I have finished second year University, with pretty good grades I might add, and have taken up part-time work in Somerfield again. It's alright. I thought after my almost two year absence it might take a while to get back into the swing of things but I was pretty much back on track after a hour or so. I make a few mistakes here and there but it's all coming back. Even at the tills I could remember the specific code for Banannas (4011) and other vegetables. It's fun working, and I am even getting to know the new staff, but there is a problem. A most annoying problem.
Somerfield now runs on a 'Rota' system, which fills out the hours for each member of staff. Most people are contracted to set hours but as I have only just started I am the 'odd job man'. I have been put down for 'any time, any day' and I think Somerfields computers, which I believe may be a version of HAL though I have no evidence for this, have decided to mess up all my plans.
I'm sorry Shaun, I cannot allow you to have a social life
When I first had the Rota, my mates did not want to do anything all week untill Wednesday Night. So Somerfield gave me shifts on Thursday morning meaning I couldn't stay out. They then gave me work on the Saturday morning to ruin my Friday night and I covered a member of staff on the Sunday as well, meaning I couldn't stay out Saturday either. This week everyone wanted to go out Wednesday, but I had work Thursday morning again so couldn't. But we replaced this with a night to the Cinema on the Wednesday, something I could do and be full attendance of... but then it turned out I was actually meant to be in on the Wednesday evening cancelling my plans! (I got out of this however. I hadn't seen the rota as it had been coyly hidden)
My friends Andy and Sid are planning to climb Mount Snowdon on Sunday/Monday/Tuesday, which I expressed interest in going on. Now, as I have never been needed on a Monday before, I assumed it would be ok. The rota states: Monday 10:00 - 16:00, Tuesday 18:00 - 22:00. It can predict my every move! The computer system is after me. I know it. It is predicting when my friends will want to do things and ordering my shifts at work to destroy my plans. At the end of the day I can try and get cover but whether or not that will be sucessful is a different matter.
I need all the work I can get but I don't want to lose my social life at the same time. At the moment it isn't working out too badly. I have been able to go to the pub, just not to stay too late or get too drunk. It just seems that everytime I have the free time nobody wants to or can do anything and then when I have plans work wants to fill it up with early mornings. I dislike early mornings. We shall see how it goes.
Whats this? Two Blogs in 24 Hours? Can it be? Yes!
Ok people. I haven't blogged much recently out of either A: Not having anything to say B: Only having something too personal to say, or C: Wanting to just right about the same ole thing again and again. You will be pleased to know that yesterday was. I hope, the last in the long line of 'omg i hav liek such girlissues' and I am moving swiftly onto some of the other topics I have planned. Again I am going to write 'This is the start to me blogging more' and again, if you've been following my blog, you're not going to believe me. But I don't think I've done too bad recently considering!
I am also attempting to get my poetry up onto a site, owned by me, so that people can give it a read if they wish. I need to start writing more!
"Boy meets Girl Boylikes Girl Girl likes Boy Girl and Boy start 'Seeing each other' Girltells Boy how great he is Boy believes Girl likes Boy too much Boy gets worried about Girlbecoming overattached Boyinturn becomes overattached to Girl Girl breaks Boys heart"
Maybe I have it coming to me. If I can't learn from my past mistakes what good are the mistakes in the first place. I'll continuely make them unless I change. What mistakes? I hear you cry, desperate to be told the inner working of mind. Well. Allow me to regail you with my usual pattern.
For a short version, besides from the one above, there is a Poem: My Usual Pattern But, as it is constrained to rhyme schemes it may not give you the full idea.
When I fall for girls it usually begins by a little bit of flirting, here and there. Now I will like this girl, obviously, but I won't be head over heels. I always enjoy the thrill of the chase, the build up to the catch, more then I do the catch. This is usually down to my insecurities or my doubts/fears. By the time we've chatted a while we probably start 'seeing each other', it'll be casual. There will be commitment there but it wont be life changing and it wont be the most strongest of things. Now by this time the flirting gets heavy. Situation A: I was told, constantly, how much better I was then her ex. Situation B: I was told I was amazing and <insert wildly over the top compliments here>. Situation C: I was told that she loved me, that I made her so happy. This is when I get scared.
My head is now trying to work out what to do. In my mind I now have a girl fawning over me. Part of me fills with doubts, maybe they like me more then I do and this would certainly be supported by some of the things they've said. But if I get into a realtionship I wont be free anymore. I wont be able to meet new girls, I will be just with the one. But then I think how much I like them, how pretty I think they are, and how I would be happy if I made the commitment as the sacrifice really isn't that large. Boom. I fall. Now whether I felt this way before, I simply didn't admit it, or whether it is brought on through a thought process of me under my false belief of how much they like me, either way. It happens.
Now baring in mind all this, the usual reason I get dumped is due to me 'Being too attached'. It's as ironic as it is annoying.
So I have to change. When I notice the signs, I have to not give in. I have to distance myself a little and try to not fall to one extreme. But this is so hard! I thought I had learnt the first time. But I didn't. I thought I learnt the second time. But I didn't. I am always hit with that false hope, that one treacherous thought which says: 'Maybe this time is different. Maybe if I don't follow my heart I will lose her' well my heart apparently has awful navigational skills and I end up scaring them away more then keeping them. Scaring isn't caring!
I am sure you will see another blog, a few months down the line, where all this happens again. I sit and mope and moan, again. And I talk about how I made the same old mistakes, again. But who knows ay. Maybe I wont make the same mistakes?
Poetry helps me think straight. When I write poetry I write it more for me then for anyone else, sometimes I use it to get a message across, and sometimes I write for others enjoyment, but most commonly it is souly for me. HOWEVER, this time I have written for my friends. If I get good enough at poetry, and ever get the confidence to read it aloud to strangers, then I might just do a open mic poetry reading one night.
So, the past few weeks I have written bits and pieces of poetry and have had no where to display them. Usually I'd refer you to my lastwords page. But it is down. And it has been down for ages. It is hopefully coming back as it is 'currently underconstruction' and I swear if they've lost some of my poetry I will destroy them!
But in the mean time I can post it here and in my spare time will try and get all of my poetry, on lastwords or otherwise, up onto both my blog and my site. The first one is probably why a lot of my hits have come to this site. As I cunningly redirected most of you from a Facebook note so I could have more visits to my blog, muwahaha! I am SUCH a devil. So here it is: (I warn you now that none of these are fully polished but I just can't be bothered to do any work to them anymore)
My other Poems are FreeVerse, a style I think I prefer writing in and feel I can express my most amount of passion. The fear I have with them though are that people might not get the flow I am going for. Whether that reflects poorly as a writer, or shows that they are meant to be spoken, I will leave you to judge.
Procrastination! - A poem about, you guessed it, procrastination Green Eyed Monster - A poem about Jealousy and what it does to you. Definitely not my proudest emotion. Alone in my Room - A poem which I suppose shows an acceptance that only time will help
I appologise. This blog is no where near the best but I am exhausted and a wee bit lonely. I would say I will come back to it later and improve it, but we all know thats a big fat fib.
It's that time of year again. A sad time of year. A time when things are come to an end and we all pack our bags and leave for the summer. Round this time of year I can't help but notice the gaps in my life and being the overly-dependant emotional sod (ODES) that I am, these get me down.
Theres the obvious gap, the one that most people are probably sick of me going on about by now, so much so that I will try not to use up too much of this post on it. Its still a gap thats getting me down most nights, when I've got nout but thoughts to keep me company and when you go from seeing someone pretty much 24/7 to... well... never, kind of shows you how little you do with your time. I can't help but feel reminded of this. I miss it. So much.
The next gap is a recent one. Today me and my housemates moved all the stuff from our house at University. It was a mission. It took all day. We had so much to pack, so much to move, so much to clean, and in the end I only left Derby at about quater to eleven, PM. I now don't have a place to stay in Derby and the thought is a tiny bit upsetting. Though the house wasn't great and we weren't in the best area I still miss having that retreat. For my first year in University I came home a lot more. I would be back around once a month, maybe longer nearing the end, but still far more frequently then I was this year. This year, you see, even during easter, I spent my break up there. I was used to the people, used to having constant company and not used to having to be on my own. Tie this to situation A up above, again constant company, again always someone to talk to. I need my own time sometimes, but I'd much rather put off that alone time to spend time with someone else. Especially when its people who make me feel good and happy about myself. Now we are here. I am at home. The place I should feel most comfortable. Well here at home the house is empty all day till my parents come back from work, and then its tea before they are in bed by eleven. It's hardly much time and during most of it I will prefer to retire to my room anyway. It's not that I don't love my parents, as I do, dearly. Its just that the kind of company you keep with your parents isn't as free or jovial, its stricter and less fluid. I miss having housemates to talk to at all hours of the day. I don't like just sitting on my own for hours on end. This is why I am constantly online, on MSN or Facebook, so that I can talk to people. I'm dependant on people; they get me through the day. I think my greatest fear would to be alone for the rest of my life and I can say that truthfully.
Maybe I am just prone to mood swings at the moment, and my mind does flip pretty randomly from one mood to the other, but I cant help but sit here at home and wish I had people around me. Most of the time I find my own company so boring, and I hate being bored. Save me? Someone?
Let me first say I have attempted to blog for some time now. I have had many an issue I wanted to discuss but all I felt too private to print online. Some I half started and changed my mind, some I kept only for my eyes. But here it is, a blog:
I like to think I forgive people. I have never been one to hold grudges. Sometimes someone can do something that riles you so much, but I fail to bring myself to hate them, despite any animalistic instinct inside me telling me I should.
What's made me think of this subject is a very specific event and if you know me you will know which one it is.
Now believe me, I have done the thinking behind this. I have considered the options. I know in my gut that if I don't forgive then I am not being me.
Firstly I was annoyed. I felt used and manipulated. The reason I was upset, more then anything was due to trust. I once wrote a blog about Trust and how important it was to me. I felt this had vanished. To say the situation was handled poorly would be an understatement. The anger I felt built up. The more I thought about it the more riled I got and I started to wonder where along the lines I'd been manipulated, where I had been taken for a fool and lied to. I started to doubt everything. Suddenly the person who knew me so well, I felt I didn't know at all. During this time I punched many a wall and shed many a tear, but yet I couldn't find myself to hate. Now I will admit, I wanted to, I wanted to be able to hate but I couldn't. To bare a grude, to hate someone, is not only a waste of time and energy it's just not me.
A main question that hung over my head, dark and forboding as it was, was the question of 'Should I keep the friendship?'. This question hurt to think about, it caused me both headache and heartache. To someone like me, someone to whom trust matters so much, could I manage to keep a friendship going. Would I not doubt everything from then on? Would I not doubt everything from before? My moods would differ every hour. From yes, to no, to maybe. I was confused. From then it took one emotional talk with that person before I knew that I needed that friendship still and another talk with someone else to secure that idea for me.
Now some people think I am stupid; but I am me, not them. Though the trust may be fractured there is one thing that I am still certain of; that is that they didn't mean to hurt me this much. I want to keep this friendship. I want to still be there and vice versa.
In case you hadn't guessed this blog was a way of me getting my thoughts out, but also explaining the difficulty of this process. I needed to show just how much thought had gone into this decision. It hasn't been easy for me, most my close mates will know that, and I think that is understandable. It will probably take some time before I can fully be at ease again, before that trust is repaired and returned, and again I think that is understandable. But I also wanted to explain just how much the friendship matters, and how I want it back just the way it was before all this hurt. Its a message of forgiveness, acceptance, and, hopefully, a step towards things being better.
Two half started blogs and one exam later here I am.
I haven't written in a while, not due to lack of things to write about, more to the fact I have been revising for this exam for the past few days and nights. My intermitant revision spliced with Left4Dead has left me with little time or little motivation to write. But now, despite having another exam to revise for Thursday morning, and being practically sleepless, I'm going to blog.
Now the exam I just spent 3 hours waffling on this morning was about Personality Theory and Intelligence, a reasonably interesting subject even if it was boring to be examined on. This has lead me to want to blog about Intelligence and how I judge it. So I shall. Please remember this is just my subjective opinion.
I think Intelligence is an incredibly complex thing to sum up in a few lines or with a simple score *cough*IQ tests*cough*. I think there are many different ways to be intelligent or to show intelligence, and at the end of it its all subjective. I've tried to sum up what I think are the main factors. So here you have it, Shaun Kelletts Theory of Intelligence.
Rationality: The ability to think objectively and rationally. Rationality, or at least the ability to show rationality, is key to intelligence. I pride myself in my ability to think through a situation rationally, which could be why I link it so much to intelligence. This doesn't mean I am not emotional, in fact I am a very emotional person at times, but normally I can see why I am emotional, make rational judgements, and even think about the situation objectively. Whether I listen to myself or not is another matter and what that says about my own intelligence is interesting. It's my opinion that intelligence requires the ability to reason logically and think through a situation making rationality, in my opinion, a linchpin. Someone who is able to look past they're own subjective views, look at something from different angles, and think objectively about a situation or arguement shows intelligence.
Understanding: Understanding of the world, of people, and of yourself. Slightly different, I feel, from Rationality. Understanding, in my opinion, can be in many contexts but I will identify three. Understanding of the world, Understanding of people, and Understanding of Yourself. Firstly the World. General Knowledge, or Common Sense, is quite possibly one of the most important factors. Those who lack an understanding of such things generally do not show the greatest intelligence. I know that this is socially specific, for instance those who have grown up without a computer will be computer illiterate, but there are some things which just take an application of general common sense and initive to understand and work. Its through an understanding of the world around us that I feel we best show intelligence, such academic studies like Science and Maths support this. This Understanding, be it at a general level, such as showing initive, or at a higher level, such as understanding a more complex science or the politics of the world, is vital to intelligence. Secondly people. I think another sign of intelligence is the ability to read people. I think it shows an innate understanding to be able to know, or atleast to suspect, when someone is either upset, annoyed, or lying, just from certain tells. It's easier when you know somebody inside out, girlfriends/boyfriends, best friends, children, partners, but still the understanding is there and I think it shows an understanding and a knowledge which can be linked to intelligence. Thirdly yourself. I have always considered it good of someone to be able to realise their flaws and short comings and this applies to my theory as its an understanding of yourself. This doesn't have to be negative as much of understanding yourself understands what you are capable of. If you know where you excel and can put this to your advantage.
Opinionation: The ability to create an informed opinion with a good arguemental basis. This might seem to be completely opposite to Rationality, in that if something has a logical and factual outcome it can't be too subject to opinion. However, I feel that the ability to form an opinion and support it with an arguement shows intelligence. I don't think just having an opinion shows intelligence, such as the moon being made of cheese, but I think if someone can support and back up their opinion, give a judgement as to why it is so which is sound and stable, shows a certain degree of intelligence.
Creativity: The ability to create and portray new things in new ways. Not necessarily the first thing you think of when thinking about Intelligence. Surely the ability to create is not linked with being Smart?... Or is it? Personally I think the ability to create shows an ability to understand, and an understanding shows intelligence. To write a story it has to work, it has to flow, and it has to appeal to others. By work I mean you can't simply create a fictional race without understanding the dynamics of a culture. By flow I mean it has to develop, show memorable characters and a decent well thought out plot. And finally by appeal I mean it has to be enjoyable for others to read. The same goes for art. A lot of art shows subjectivity but also it shows a way of presenting an idea. It's one thing painting pretty pictures and taking pretty photographs but its another to do something creative and thought provoking with it. The ability to provoke thought is another key feature.
Now I wanted to round this off with a Fifth but I struggled. I wanted to have 'Maths, Science, and Linguistic ability' but I feel that they all come under Understanding. Albeit a deeper and more knowledgable Understanding. I also think Linguistic ability comes under Opinionation, with the ability to articulate a complex arguement in a fluid manor.
You might consider all this to be bias. I mentioned how I pride myself on my ability to have rational thoughts, I am also a creative writer, this blog is based on my opinion of intelligence, and through it I have hopefully showed an understanding. So now, you probably think I think I am pretty smart. I assure you I am not that arrogant. Personally I like to think I am of an Average, or maybe even an Above Average intelligence. Hope you all enjoyed, let me know what you think and how you would rate yourself!
It's really shaping up! And look at that actor at the bottom!
Today was the third shoot of ImagiNoir but the second one that I had attended to take stills of. I think I chose the good shoots to turn up for, the end scene and, today, the scene in the Don's office. I actually got to be the Don, and thats my head you can see up there. All I had to do was get shot in the head, not the most extravagant of roles really. I think Woody was a little dissapointed with the shoot today, but I reckon he will make it work in the end.
ImagiNoir is really shaping up well. I am excited to have people watch it and see what they think. My Story is actually going to be a film! Amazing!
In other news Gary McCloud asked me into his film the other day, and my first role on camera was of being dead. I think there is a common theme here. My characters are just seem to be killed off!
Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen! It's that time of year again, when everyone is finishing University and getting ready to move home, so I feel it's time for the first ever annual House Awards! (And no Wood, they're not worth any Live Achievement Points)
The House Awards are specialised awards designed, by me, for members of the 13 Parker Close household along with one extra special category for outsiders!
The 'Are you famous?' award for person most likely to make it big.
Shaun Kellett
Honourable Mention(s) John Wood
Shaun Kellett takes this title for the sheer fact that his website is better then that of John Wood! (see also Best Website)
The 'Do you know how I know you're gay?' award for gayest housemate. Luke Woods
Honourable Mention(s) Luke Woods & Luke Woods
Whether it’s liking songs which are just that bit too gay, his collection of white vest tops or his obsession with candles and mood lighting. Luke Woods is the gayest housemate!
The ‘Green Fingers’ award for best gardener
Luke Woods
As MatthewCommons brief foray into gardening ended in a dead plant in the lounge Luke Woods still, and probably always will, hold the title for the best gardener within the house.
The 'Guys, I was so drunk last night' award for best drunk housemate John Wood
Honourable Mention(s) Matthew Common, Shaun Kellett, Luke Woods
Though there has been many a moment when a housemate has made himself look silly whilst drunk this year the achievement really goes to the John Wood for his excellent performance on the night of his 23rd Birthday. Though Luke Woods comes close with his recent display over the bathroom sink! Shall we have a bottle of wine now?
The 'How long you going to be in there?' award for longest time spent in the bathroom. Matthew Common!
Honourable Mention(s) John Wood
Housemates will know a little too well that not a day goes by when Matthew Common doesn't wake up and head straight for the bathroom to begin a 5 hour cleaning ritual in the shower. He has even been known to have two in one day!
The 'How many hits?' award for best website Shaun Kellett
Not so Honourable Mention(s) John Wood
It's no competition, half the housemates don't have websites, and Shaun Kelletts is obviously better!
The 'I'll do it tommorow' award for sheer bone idleness Shaun Kellett
Honourable Mention(s) John Wood
Whether its putting off Uni work, poor attendance, or simply not doing what needs to be done, the award goes to Shaun Kellett.
The 'Just one more level' award for housemate who spent the most time playing games. John Wood
Honourable Mention(s) Shaun Kellett
Though it could be considered a close one theres one housemate who just takes the lead. Be it for his 5 months straight playing time on WoW, his collection of almost 100 DS games, or simply playing Co-Op with his other housemates. Its John Wood!
The 'Knock before entering' award for housemate most likely to walk in on an embarassing moment. Matthew Common
Honourable Mention(s) John Wood
Whether you’re getting changed, with a girl, or just plain in an embarrassing position, Matthew Common has to be the winner of this. This presenter alone has had Matthew Common walk in on a few of the worst situations.
The 'Man, I'm tired of singing" Award for most likely to be in a boy band.
Luke Woods!
Honourable Mention(s) Matthew Common, Shaun Kellett, John Wood
Whether its his expert knowledge of Sound and Live event technology, his excellent recital of any musical, or just because he's Luke Woods, it just has to be Luke Woods to win this award.
The 'Mr Fixit' award for most apt at fixing house problems.
Luke Woods!
This was no competition. Whatever is broken, be it chair, table, cupboard or more Luke Woods is always there with a handy selection of tools to help make these problems go away. He even works after midnight!
The 'No Strings Attached' award for best single housemate.
Matthew Common
Honourable Mention(s) Shaun Kellett & Luke Woods
It’s a hard one to judge. Three single housemates but only one title but in the end the award goes to Matthew Common for his many sneaks away on nights out and even sneakier MSN conversations. Single, and looking, get him while you can Ladies!
The “Oh Happy Days!” Award for happiest housemate.
Matthew Common
Honourable Mention(s)
Shaun Kellett, John Wood, & Luke Woods
Though each housemate has their happy days, and in turn also their off days the happiest housemate has got to be Matthew Common. Not known for throwing strops or starting arguments, whether its dancing in your door, singing in a high pitched manor, or just generally brandishing a smile, Matthew Common is named the Happiest Housemate.
The “Pass the map” Award for Messiest Housemate
Shaun Kellett
Whether its the state of his room, the fact he almost constantly leaves stuff in John Woods room, Shaun Kellett has to be the messiest housemate. At least in the other peoples rooms you can see the floor!
The ‘Turner What?’ Award for most artistic housemate
John Wood.
Honourable Mention(s) Matthew Common & Shaun Kellett
A tough decision as 3 out of 4 housemates express creativity regularly; be it through writing, photography or film making. John Wood slipped ahead of the other housemates for his current work and dedication to his film “ImagiNoir”.
The 'Wakey Wakey!' award for person most likely to sleep in all day.
Shaun Kellett
Honourable Mention(s) John Wood
It may be 3:00pm, but Shaun Kellett might still be asleep! He has been known to spend so much time in bed that his housemates have forgotten what he may have looked like!
The 'When I say X you say Y' award for person with the best catchphrases
Luke Woods
Whether a single phrase or a whole statement it was no competition that Luke Woods has, not only the largest amount, but the most catchy of catchphrases!
The 'Where exactly?' award for most foriegn housemate
John Wood
As all the other housemates are from the Midlands, we just have to ask, Scarborough? Really?
The 'Wrinkly Chef Face' award for best cook. John Wood!
Honourable Mention(s) Luke Woods
Though two housemates have proven to be daring and inventive cooks John Wood sneaks ahead with his new found love of trying to cook something new and his bringing of cook books to the house.
And Last but not least:
The 'You might as well live here!" award for best frequent guest.
Bronwen Russel-Jones
Honourable Mention(s)
Laura Perkins, Kim Lippitt
The other two in the running were strong candidates indeed but Bronwen Russel-Jones just snuck in there recently. Though she may not have spent as many nights in the house as the other two, she did craft her own bed and she did bring chicken!
And there you have it folks! This concludes the 2009 House Awards for 13 Parker Close!
A nice big juicy medium-rare steak? Not quite. Currently my head is a pretty messy place and my own organisation has become an issue.
Not quite the issues I am dealing with
I can feel the stress building up within me and I hate being stressed. Normally I am so laidback a meteor could impact on the world and hardly shake me, so it just means I react all the more badly when it actually comes to having an ammount of stress. I have so much work, exams to revise for, and not to mention the fact my heart is vying for a place to dump all of its emotional baggage. It succeeded, to some extent, with the aid of alcohol on Friday night and has gained itself a firm and unreliquishing foothold in the creases of my mind that I can't seem to shake. All this, added to my other stressors, is giving me a major headache and major weird mood.
I can feel myself snapping at people, being irratable and generally pissed off and I don't want to be, or mean to be, it's just something I am going to have to get over within the next few weeks. When my work is in, and my exams are over, I can start a relaxation period, a time to get my head together and sort out this mess that its in. So this is kinda an appology of sorts, to all the people i've been harsh to or weird with over the past couple of days. I just need to handle this and things will be alright!
Coming to no cinema's near you, but probably coming to Vimeo in a week or so
So, I was "on set" today to see my housemate Woody film the final scenes of his adaption to my story. It's eally exciting stuff and I am even more excited to see the final product. I am pretty sure Woody has a solid idea of how to shoot the piece, as everytime we stop to chat about how we see it, we both see it in pretty similar ways, either that or he has a better idea then I do. I'm no director afterall! Well... Not yet!
The actors, Ross and Rhiannon, both did a really good Job. Especially considering there wasn't a script and a lot of the speech, which sadly is being muted out, was improvised at the time.
All in all it's going really well. Might encourage me to write more in future, I know it has encouraged me to write a short film over summer to film with Andy.
Today I went to Sheffield. As exciting a start to a story if ever there was one.
It was spontainous and it was fun. What started off as Me and Kim on our way to collect a package from a postoffice became a fun trip to somewhere I had never been.
This got me thinking.
My mom said to me the other day 'You've done more in your life then I have ever done' and this also got me thinking. So far I consider this a compliment. I want to do things with my life. I want to see things, create things, and generally just enjoy what experience I can get out of it. If life is what you make of it then why do we not create something big and worthwhile. This is why my motivation is hopefully getting better.
I am writing more, taking more photos, and generally expressing more creativity. The fact me and Kim were spontanious enough to jump on a train today and just go somewhere, I hope, shows this point off. I know it wasn't far or dangerous but the spontinaity is something I have never really had before and even showing a little bit is a good thing in my eyes.
I've had feedback on my photos which people have seen through my new, up and running, though still in construction, website. A lot of people have been very positive and so it makes me want to continue.
In other motivational news production was started on my housemate Woodys film. This is good news for me because this film is an adaptation of a story I pevious wrote and even mentioned in a blog, entitled simply Film Noir (also available on my site at this temporary URL). Between the two of us, with his directing and my story writing, we have adapted it into 'ImagiNoir'. It is looking to be really good, despite the current time constraints of only have a week or so to complete it. I will certainly post a link when its done.
To me Trust is a very powerful, and also much needed, thing.
It's hard to pinpoint what starts trust. When do you put all your faith into someone? Do they have to prove themselves through some rigerous task? Or is it simply something that happens?
Many people have trouble with it. Some people trust nobody, some people wont even trust themselves, but I don't seem to have any such problem, I am quite keen to put my trust into all of my friends. I know that most, if not all, of them would never intentionally hurt me and I hope they know the same back.
The past week or so I've had a few issues regarding trust come up and it's hard to say how they've had an effect. If you suddenly suppose that maybe someone your really close with cheated on you, does that mean you've suddenly lost trust with them? I don't think it does. To many an extent the fact I believe their reply shows that the trust is there, even if there was the doubt there to begin with.
Yesterday the tables turned and suddenly I was the one being doubted. Call it Karma, Coincidence, Or whatever you want but it happened. I can't say I didn't predict it, I knew what it would look like from the off but surely if I had of brought it up it would make me look like I had a guilty conscience? I don't know, I over think sometimes. Today I begged to be forgiven and to be trusted and I've never thought of it as something I would ever have to do. I know this is because I assume people might feel like I do and might trust me, but I understand that other people have complete different ways of looking at things, different ways of feeling. My point was across in the end but there was still doubt there and that upset me. I accept it, but it still upsets me that someone could think I would do something like that. My intentions are never normally bad.
So it brings me to wonder, what is a friendship without trust? To me if that trust, that faith, isn't there then the friendship isn't very strong. It's hardly a friendship at all in my eyes. What I like most about my friends, is that I can trust them. I can share secrets, talk over problems, lend my stuff, and rely on them to be there when I need them. That to me is trust. Obviously there is varying levels, I know that theres some of my friends I wouldn't open up fully to, but theres still something there, some trust that I have in them.
My bestest friends know, hopefully, who they are and I hope they know that I do adore them and trust in them as close to 100% as I can.
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved." George MacDonald
The blog before this, the one from yesterday, was actually just written by me a few moments prior. I cheated and reset the date. Why? Because the context is better if it was written then as it was before I began this change, whereas now I can write about the actual change. Honestly, it was my plan all along to write that article, I just didn't have time.
You see, last night I had no time to write it, at all, I was too busy being helpful to others to help myself. Selfless of me I know. And no, no thankyou, the awards are not necessary. Last night I was reading Commons essay, pointing out little problems here and there to help improve his mark, and I was also acting in Woodys last minute film that he has to cobble together for Uni. All in all quite fun. I like helping; reading Commons essay help me practice my own essay writing ability, and helping with Woodys film is creative.
Also last night, Woody and Myself tried to set up websites. I have to wait a day or so to be contacted by a member of their staff before they can go up, but I like to think at the time I was being productive. The website should tie into this blog, or rather the blog will tie into the website, and it will act as an online portfolio for my writing and my photography (which I will mention in a later post).
The suspense is killing you right?
Productivity continued even into today as I went to the library and started working hard. I got 700 words into an essay, an essay that doesn't need to be in till Tuesday. Or atleast I didn't think it did, it is actually in on Friday. Which is superb! I am being productive towards a future goal. I am definitely, and I mean this now, going to try to do my work in advance.
Now I sit on my own in my room after completing Prince of Persia and telling myself I am going to be creative, hence me choosing to blog.
It has been 3 months since I last wrote an article for this blog and I feel it is about time I stepped back up to the plate.
"Where have I been?" people would ask, if anybody actually read this, "What have you learnt from your time away?" Well imaginary Ladies and Gentlemen my return to you is not a noble one, nor is it one of lessons learnt, it is of reptetion and 0f the "same shit different day" lifestyle. So, let me waste no more time and quickly start answering all of your questions!
Where did leave off? My last post to this blog, besides a draft one that I wrote a sentance of and gave up, was one about how I don't learn, about how I again left my work till the last minute and how I again fell for a girl and got hurt.
So where does this put me now? Well, last night I stayed up till about 4:00am finishing an essay I hadn't started untill the last possible minute, today I spent hours in the library finishing another essay and barely got it in on time, and then, to top it all off, a week previous I got my heartbroken by a girl I fell for.
What have you learnt from this experiance? More than anything I have learnt tthat I am doomed to this vicious cycle of repeating myself again and again. Not only will I probably lose my motivation again in a couple of days, not only will I wollow in negativity about this recent heartbreak till I fall for another girl in the same manor, but I will do it time again. If this is how its always going to be I may as well not blog anymore! You might as well reread everything I have already written a couple of hundred times! But this marks the start of a change, I hope. I will begin to blog again and I will begin to sort my life out!
On December 17th I posted a blog. If you haven't read it, which I am guessing is most probably the case, then all it was was me moaning about not learning from my mistakes. I made a few promises to myself, which I swore I would keep, and I am now here to tell you that I most probably LIED.
The first on my list of promises. I was going to be a lot more motivated this term. Emphasis on GOING TO BE. While I still maintain that I will try harder and work harder my motivation has yet to see that supposed leap up to the stand. Uni only started on Monday but I find myself dreading every second and having such a little ammount of motivation to actually attend that it might be worth me just becoming a bedroom recluse. I am currently up after yet another all nighter but this time not out of some attempt to do work but out of an attempt to actually attend my morning lectures. I only really started getting tired around 5:30am and by that time my brain made it overwhelmingly clear that I only had 3 hours till I needed to leave the house, let alone get up, get washed, and get dressed. So I took it upon myself to stay awake. I suppose thats some sort of motivation, in a sense, and I have yet to see how the term unfolds, but lets just hope I can do better then before.
Then comes the second promise, the promise not to fall riddiculusly hard and riddiculusly fast for girls. That being said it's probably best not to mention the second promise, since I have seemingly fallen even further if that is at all possible and my head is now in as big a mess as it has ever been for the good part of a year. That being said I hope all works out for the best.
A journey almost as hectic and exciting as Kvothe's own!
So I will endevaour to write and be more motivated. It's hard and I've said it before but hopefully I have recruited some of my friends to push me on this and soon I should have a few chapters on my hands.
