Forgiveness

Let me first say I have attempted to blog for some time now. I have had many an issue I wanted to discuss but all I felt too private to print online. Some I half started and changed my mind, some I kept only for my eyes. But here it is, a blog:

I like to think I forgive people. I have never been one to hold grudges. Sometimes someone can do something that riles you so much, but I fail to bring myself to hate them, despite any animalistic instinct inside me telling me I should.

What's made me think of this subject is a very specific event and if you know me you will know which one it is.

Now believe me, I have done the thinking behind this. I have considered the options. I know in my gut that if I don't forgive then I am not being me.

Firstly I was annoyed. I felt used and manipulated. The reason I was upset, more then anything was due to trust. I once wrote a blog about Trust and how important it was to me. I felt this had vanished. To say the situation was handled poorly would be an understatement. The anger I felt built up. The more I thought about it the more riled I got and I started to wonder where along the lines I'd been manipulated, where I had been taken for a fool and lied to. I started to doubt everything. Suddenly the person who knew me so well, I felt I didn't know at all. During this time I punched many a wall and shed many a tear, but yet I couldn't find myself to hate. Now I will admit, I wanted to, I wanted to be able to hate but I couldn't. To bare a grude, to hate someone, is not only a waste of time and energy it's just not me.

A main question that hung over my head, dark and forboding as it was, was the question of 'Should I keep the friendship?'. This question hurt to think about, it caused me both headache and heartache. To someone like me, someone to whom trust matters so much, could I manage to keep a friendship going. Would I not doubt everything from then on? Would I not doubt everything from before? My moods would differ every hour. From yes, to no, to maybe. I was confused. From then it took one emotional talk with that person before I knew that I needed that friendship still and another talk with someone else to secure that idea for me.

Now some people think I am stupid; but I am me, not them. Though the trust may be fractured there is one thing that I am still certain of; that is that they didn't mean to hurt me this much. I want to keep this friendship. I want to still be there and vice versa.

In case you hadn't guessed this blog was a way of me getting my thoughts out, but also explaining the difficulty of this process. I needed to show just how much thought had gone into this decision. It hasn't been easy for me, most my close mates will know that, and I think that is understandable. It will probably take some time before I can fully be at ease again, before that trust is repaired and returned, and again I think that is understandable. But I also wanted to explain just how much the friendship matters, and how I want it back just the way it was before all this hurt. Its a message of forgiveness, acceptance, and, hopefully, a step towards things being better.