On the topic of Procrastination and my IS

In Psychology we are meant to do an Independant Study, or IS. This involves coming up with our own idea in a area of psychology and conducting a study within that area. With the help and guidance of a tutor we create the idea and the means of study and hopefully produce some sound results. This was presented to us a few months ago and we had to put it together and contact tutors about it. At the time I had a few ideas and I mused on it, but I never contacted tutors. Partially this was due to my shyness rather then my unmotivation, I don't like talking to people in authority really or talking to anyone that I don't know. This includes managers and things at work. So I put it off. It would always be at the back of my mind but come the time I wanted to look at it I was busy with coursework and exam preparation. So I procrastinated to the best of my ability till the end of my exams untill I found out it was meant to be complete and signed off by that time. From then I was scared of talking to tutors, thinking I would be turned away from it, and the longer I put it off the more frightened I have become. It has gotten to the point where it is now incredibly late and I realise this but now I am so terrified of contacting incase it means being thrown off, or delayed, from the course. Psychology is such a main enjoyment of mine that I can't let this happen but I have to contact tutors now. I am sending the first email tonight in hopes that I will be advised.

I hope all goes well.

All work and no play...

... makes Shaun a Dull Boy. Is what I would be typing on my antique type writer in a Jack Nicholson-esque manner if I actually had an antique type writer and could do anywhere near a good enough Jack Nicholson impression.

I have finished second year University, with pretty good grades I might add, and have taken up part-time work in Somerfield again. It's alright. I thought after my almost two year absence it might take a while to get back into the swing of things but I was pretty much back on track after a hour or so. I make a few mistakes here and there but it's all coming back. Even at the tills I could remember the specific code for Banannas (4011) and other vegetables. It's fun working, and I am even getting to know the new staff, but there is a problem. A most annoying problem.

Somerfield now runs on a 'Rota' system, which fills out the hours for each member of staff. Most people are contracted to set hours but as I have only just started I am the 'odd job man'. I have been put down for 'any time, any day' and I think Somerfields computers, which I believe may be a version of HAL though I have no evidence for this, have decided to mess up all my plans.

I'm sorry Shaun, I cannot allow you to have a social life

When I first had the Rota, my mates did not want to do anything all week untill Wednesday Night. So Somerfield gave me shifts on Thursday morning meaning I couldn't stay out. They then gave me work on the Saturday morning to ruin my Friday night and I covered a member of staff on the Sunday as well, meaning I couldn't stay out Saturday either. This week everyone wanted to go out Wednesday, but I had work Thursday morning again so couldn't. But we replaced this with a night to the Cinema on the Wednesday, something I could do and be full attendance of... but then it turned out I was actually meant to be in on the Wednesday evening cancelling my plans! (I got out of this however. I hadn't seen the rota as it had been coyly hidden)

My friends Andy and Sid are planning to climb Mount Snowdon on Sunday/Monday/Tuesday, which I expressed interest in going on. Now, as I have never been needed on a Monday before, I assumed it would be ok. The rota states: Monday 10:00 - 16:00, Tuesday 18:00 - 22:00. It can predict my every move! The computer system is after me. I know it. It is predicting when my friends will want to do things and ordering my shifts at work to destroy my plans. At the end of the day I can try and get cover but whether or not that will be sucessful is a different matter.

I need all the work I can get but I don't want to lose my social life at the same time. At the moment it isn't working out too badly. I have been able to go to the pub, just not to stay too late or get too drunk. It just seems that everytime I have the free time nobody wants to or can do anything and then when I have plans work wants to fill it up with early mornings. I dislike early mornings. We shall see how it goes.

A hard days work

Whats this? Two Blogs in 24 Hours?
Can it be?
Yes!

Ok people. I haven't blogged much recently out of either A: Not having anything to say B: Only having something too personal to say, or C: Wanting to just right about the same ole thing again and again. You will be pleased to know that yesterday was. I hope, the last in the long line of 'omg i hav liek such girlissues' and I am moving swiftly onto some of the other topics I have planned. Again I am going to write 'This is the start to me blogging more' and again, if you've been following my blog, you're not going to believe me. But I don't think I've done too bad recently considering!

I am also attempting to get my poetry up onto a site, owned by me, so that people can give it a read if they wish. I need to start writing more!

Shaun
ClockworkMusings

My Usual Pattern: Rinse and Repeat

"Boy meets Girl
Boy likes Girl
Girl likes Boy
Girl and Boy start 'Seeing each other'
Girl tells Boy how great he is
Boy believes Girl likes Boy too much
Boy gets worried about Girl becoming overattached
Boy inturn becomes overattached to Girl
Girl breaks Boys heart"

Maybe I have it coming to me. If I can't learn from my past mistakes what good are the mistakes in the first place. I'll continuely make them unless I change. What mistakes? I hear you cry, desperate to be told the inner working of mind. Well. Allow me to regail you with my usual pattern.

For a short version, besides from the one above, there is a Poem: My Usual Pattern
But, as it is constrained to rhyme schemes it may not give you the full idea.

When I fall for girls it usually begins by a little bit of flirting, here and there. Now I will like this girl, obviously, but I won't be head over heels. I always enjoy the thrill of the chase, the build up to the catch, more then I do the catch. This is usually down to my insecurities or my doubts/fears. By the time we've chatted a while we probably start 'seeing each other', it'll be casual. There will be commitment there but it wont be life changing and it wont be the most strongest of things. Now by this time the flirting gets heavy.
Situation A: I was told, constantly, how much better I was then her ex.
Situation B: I was told I was amazing and <insert wildly over the top compliments here>.
Situation C: I was told that she loved me, that I made her so happy.
This is when I get scared.

My head is now trying to work out what to do. In my mind I now have a girl fawning over me. Part of me fills with doubts, maybe they like me more then I do and this would certainly be supported by some of the things they've said. But if I get into a realtionship I wont be free anymore. I wont be able to meet new girls, I will be just with the one. But then I think how much I like them, how pretty I think they are, and how I would be happy if I made the commitment as the sacrifice really isn't that large. Boom. I fall.
Now whether I felt this way before, I simply didn't admit it, or whether it is brought on through a thought process of me under my false belief of how much they like me, either way. It happens.

Now baring in mind all this, the usual reason I get dumped is due to me 'Being too attached'. It's as ironic as it is annoying.

So I have to change. When I notice the signs, I have to not give in. I have to distance myself a little and try to not fall to one extreme. But this is so hard! I thought I had learnt the first time. But I didn't. I thought I learnt the second time. But I didn't. I am always hit with that false hope, that one treacherous thought which says: 'Maybe this time is different. Maybe if I don't follow my heart I will lose her' well my heart apparently has awful navigational skills and I end up scaring them away more then keeping them. Scaring isn't caring!

I am sure you will see another blog, a few months down the line, where all this happens again. I sit and mope and moan, again. And I talk about how I made the same old mistakes, again. But who knows ay. Maybe I wont make the same mistakes?

Openheart Flowetry

(Title robbed from Scroobius Pip)

Poetry helps me think straight. When I write poetry I write it more for me then for anyone else, sometimes I use it to get a message across, and sometimes I write for others enjoyment, but most commonly it is souly for me. HOWEVER, this time I have written for my friends. If I get good enough at poetry, and ever get the confidence to read it aloud to strangers, then I might just do a open mic poetry reading one night.

So, the past few weeks I have written bits and pieces of poetry and have had no where to display them. Usually I'd refer you to my lastwords page. But it is down. And it has been down for ages. It is hopefully coming back as it is 'currently underconstruction' and I swear if they've lost some of my poetry I will destroy them!

But in the mean time I can post it here and in my spare time will try and get all of my poetry, on lastwords or otherwise, up onto both my blog and my site. The first one is probably why a lot of my hits have come to this site. As I cunningly redirected most of you from a Facebook note so I could have more visits to my blog, muwahaha! I am SUCH a devil. So here it is: (I warn you now that none of these are fully polished but I just can't be bothered to do any work to them anymore)

Ode to my Friends - A poem about the people who I really care for.

My other Poems are FreeVerse, a style I think I prefer writing in and feel I can express my most amount of passion. The fear I have with them though are that people might not get the flow I am going for. Whether that reflects poorly as a writer, or shows that they are meant to be spoken, I will leave you to judge.

Procrastination! - A poem about, you guessed it, procrastination
Green Eyed Monster - A poem about Jealousy and what it does to you. Definitely not my proudest emotion.
Alone in my Room - A poem which I suppose shows an acceptance that only time will help


So there you have it.
Some Poetry.
Enjoy

Shaun
ClockworkMusings

Dependance and Gaps

I appologise. This blog is no where near the best but I am exhausted and a wee bit lonely. I would say I will come back to it later and improve it, but we all know thats a big fat fib.

It's that time of year again. A sad time of year. A time when things are come to an end and we all pack our bags and leave for the summer. Round this time of year I can't help but notice the gaps in my life and being the overly-dependant emotional sod (ODES) that I am, these get me down.

Theres the obvious gap, the one that most people are probably sick of me going on about by now, so much so that I will try not to use up too much of this post on it. Its still a gap thats getting me down most nights, when I've got nout but thoughts to keep me company and when you go from seeing someone pretty much 24/7 to... well... never, kind of shows you how little you do with your time. I can't help but feel reminded of this. I miss it. So much.

The next gap is a recent one. Today me and my housemates moved all the stuff from our house at University. It was a mission. It took all day. We had so much to pack, so much to move, so much to clean, and in the end I only left Derby at about quater to eleven, PM. I now don't have a place to stay in Derby and the thought is a tiny bit upsetting. Though the house wasn't great and we weren't in the best area I still miss having that retreat.
For my first year in University I came home a lot more. I would be back around once a month, maybe longer nearing the end, but still far more frequently then I was this year. This year, you see, even during easter, I spent my break up there. I was used to the people, used to having constant company and not used to having to be on my own. Tie this to situation A up above, again constant company, again always someone to talk to. I need my own time sometimes, but I'd much rather put off that alone time to spend time with someone else. Especially when its people who make me feel good and happy about myself.
Now we are here. I am at home. The place I should feel most comfortable. Well here at home the house is empty all day till my parents come back from work, and then its tea before they are in bed by eleven. It's hardly much time and during most of it I will prefer to retire to my room anyway. It's not that I don't love my parents, as I do, dearly. Its just that the kind of company you keep with your parents isn't as free or jovial, its stricter and less fluid.
I miss having housemates to talk to at all hours of the day. I don't like just sitting on my own for hours on end. This is why I am constantly online, on MSN or Facebook, so that I can talk to people. I'm dependant on people; they get me through the day. I think my greatest fear would to be alone for the rest of my life and I can say that truthfully.

Maybe I am just prone to mood swings at the moment, and my mind does flip pretty randomly from one mood to the other, but I cant help but sit here at home and wish I had people around me. Most of the time I find my own company so boring, and I hate being bored. Save me? Someone?

Forgiveness

Let me first say I have attempted to blog for some time now. I have had many an issue I wanted to discuss but all I felt too private to print online. Some I half started and changed my mind, some I kept only for my eyes. But here it is, a blog:

I like to think I forgive people. I have never been one to hold grudges. Sometimes someone can do something that riles you so much, but I fail to bring myself to hate them, despite any animalistic instinct inside me telling me I should.

What's made me think of this subject is a very specific event and if you know me you will know which one it is.

Now believe me, I have done the thinking behind this. I have considered the options. I know in my gut that if I don't forgive then I am not being me.

Firstly I was annoyed. I felt used and manipulated. The reason I was upset, more then anything was due to trust. I once wrote a blog about Trust and how important it was to me. I felt this had vanished. To say the situation was handled poorly would be an understatement. The anger I felt built up. The more I thought about it the more riled I got and I started to wonder where along the lines I'd been manipulated, where I had been taken for a fool and lied to. I started to doubt everything. Suddenly the person who knew me so well, I felt I didn't know at all. During this time I punched many a wall and shed many a tear, but yet I couldn't find myself to hate. Now I will admit, I wanted to, I wanted to be able to hate but I couldn't. To bare a grude, to hate someone, is not only a waste of time and energy it's just not me.

A main question that hung over my head, dark and forboding as it was, was the question of 'Should I keep the friendship?'. This question hurt to think about, it caused me both headache and heartache. To someone like me, someone to whom trust matters so much, could I manage to keep a friendship going. Would I not doubt everything from then on? Would I not doubt everything from before? My moods would differ every hour. From yes, to no, to maybe. I was confused. From then it took one emotional talk with that person before I knew that I needed that friendship still and another talk with someone else to secure that idea for me.

Now some people think I am stupid; but I am me, not them. Though the trust may be fractured there is one thing that I am still certain of; that is that they didn't mean to hurt me this much. I want to keep this friendship. I want to still be there and vice versa.

In case you hadn't guessed this blog was a way of me getting my thoughts out, but also explaining the difficulty of this process. I needed to show just how much thought had gone into this decision. It hasn't been easy for me, most my close mates will know that, and I think that is understandable. It will probably take some time before I can fully be at ease again, before that trust is repaired and returned, and again I think that is understandable. But I also wanted to explain just how much the friendship matters, and how I want it back just the way it was before all this hurt. Its a message of forgiveness, acceptance, and, hopefully, a step towards things being better.