On December 17th I posted a blog.
If you haven't read it, which I am guessing is most probably the case, then all it was was me moaning about not learning from my mistakes. I made a few promises to myself, which I swore I would keep, and I am now here to tell you that I most probably LIED.
The first on my list of promises. I was going to be a lot more motivated this term. Emphasis on GOING TO BE. While I still maintain that I will try harder and work harder my motivation has yet to see that supposed leap up to the stand. Uni only started on Monday but I find myself dreading every second and having such a little ammount of motivation to actually attend that it might be worth me just becoming a bedroom recluse. I am currently up after yet another all nighter but this time not out of some attempt to do work but out of an attempt to actually attend my morning lectures. I only really started getting tired around 5:30am and by that time my brain made it overwhelmingly clear that I only had 3 hours till I needed to leave the house, let alone get up, get washed, and get dressed. So I took it upon myself to stay awake. I suppose thats some sort of motivation, in a sense, and I have yet to see how the term unfolds, but lets just hope I can do better then before.
Then comes the second promise, the promise not to fall riddiculusly hard and riddiculusly fast for girls. That being said it's probably best not to mention the second promise, since I have seemingly fallen even further if that is at all possible and my head is now in as big a mess as it has ever been for the good part of a year. That being said I hope all works out for the best.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
The Privacy Dilema
Ok, so I am begining to think a public blog isn't the best option for me, atleast not one with my name on it, or something that a simple google search can link you to.
I haven't blogged in a while and one of the main reasons for this isn't lack of time or lack of subjects but one of Privacy. My heads a tad muddled at the moment and I have a few issues running round within the confinds of my mind, many of which only I know and I can't really share. While I would be happy to tell the world about them, as the world doesn't really care, there are people out there that I would rather didn't have an all access pass into what I am thinking, mainly because I don't want their opinions to change of me and not because I am being deceptive. Now I know the likelihood of people I know finding my blog and even being interested enough to read it are slim but theres still that chance.
So it comes to the point that I am begining to wonder if I really can blog at all, especially when the subject matter is so sensitive. Do I become annoymous and carry on blogging? Or do I just write what I am thinking and risk it?
I haven't blogged in a while and one of the main reasons for this isn't lack of time or lack of subjects but one of Privacy. My heads a tad muddled at the moment and I have a few issues running round within the confinds of my mind, many of which only I know and I can't really share. While I would be happy to tell the world about them, as the world doesn't really care, there are people out there that I would rather didn't have an all access pass into what I am thinking, mainly because I don't want their opinions to change of me and not because I am being deceptive. Now I know the likelihood of people I know finding my blog and even being interested enough to read it are slim but theres still that chance.
So it comes to the point that I am begining to wonder if I really can blog at all, especially when the subject matter is so sensitive. Do I become annoymous and carry on blogging? Or do I just write what I am thinking and risk it?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Take the keyboard away...
When I am drunk can someone please take away my keyboard?
I know blogs are a place for saying all your private matters and such but sometimes... things are a little too private...
I have removed the previous blog, still kept in draft, but only so that I can view it later... rather then all you lot reading it later.
I know blogs are a place for saying all your private matters and such but sometimes... things are a little too private...
I have removed the previous blog, still kept in draft, but only so that I can view it later... rather then all you lot reading it later.
And here we go yet again...
Well. there is no point hiding it, this is just going to be another blog which follow's the current trend of A: Being drunk, and B: caring too much about the penisless half of the species (mainly due to the fact they have, to quote Yahtzee, 'Stonking Great Tits')
Ok, so awhile ago I met a girl and the usual happened. Drunk guy meets drunk girl and drunk happeninings occur. The, somewhat awkward, End. But it was a little more than that as we both chatted a bit more, and we both got to know each other, and in the end after a few 'which way is this going to go' moments, comparable to a precarious tight rope walker balancing a large and somewhat awkward stick, it flipped completely and I entered the friendzone, as per fucking usual. I mean, you could literally plan a complex and intricate timetable around my ability to enter the friendzone at such rates. Just know that within a few days of meeting a girl, no longer will I be 'that cute guy I once met and now kinda like' guy, but the nameless guy that gets cobbled together with the bunch of other male mates that didn't make the cut and somehow doesn't stick out enough to ever be considered an appropriate candidate. The annoying thing is that to some extent this is FINE.
I mean, I am still in an emotionally complex area with another girl, to which previous posts may have been addressed, and I may, or may not, only like this girl as a friend. But when you're drunk, as I may well currently be, and you're kind of thinking things through a bit too much, as I also may currently be, then your just damn well stuck and what makes the matter worse in when you watch said girl leave arm in arm, a position you previously forefilled, with another guy. Now don't get me wrong, I am not an arrogant prick, no matter how much I self loathingly tell myself I am, and I respect a person's right to do something that doesn't involve me, though it is morally questionable why someone would want to do something that doesn't involve me and the whole thing should be brought before a court, but at the end of the day it still hits home. Argueably some things hit home more than others and its apparent that maybe I should accept such a thing and not let it work itself on me, but it still hits home goddamnit. Watching a girl your 'mates' and also to some extent 'cuddle buddies' (like fuck buddies but with more cuddling and less fucking) with walk home with someone else should be an acceptable walk in the park not something that gets me down and has me being all depressed for the last few hours I am awake.
I really just think to much about so little. I get worked up about the tiniest things, things that should even really matter, and why? because I am a spoilt, egotistical, only child, who somehow, without even realising it at times, weighs himself above others. In a way this dates back to the time when I was an overly romatic son-of-a-bitch who heralded "love" as the next coming of a savior with belief that love could conquer all and could hold true under most, if not all, situations. After a slap in the face with reality and confirmation that love was indeed not the best and most cherished thing in the world as in most cases it was just emotions completely warping your view, I was on my way again, but there's still a part of me that thinks he can not only have his cake and eat it but also have a few dozen cakes, each with extra frosting and eat them all, one by one, and still have room for coffee afterwards.
It's getting about the time that I actually sat back and considered what was what and who was where and why was how in my life... not that that make's the tiniest smidgen of sense but I am sure you, the average, and obviously bored, reader understand what I am waffling on about. It's the kind of thought everyone probably gets but nobody probably explains. The sort of taboo subject that wont ever get brought up despite everyone thinking it.
God knows.
Sometimes life would be so much better if I was just blissfully ignorant, unaware of the happenings around me and more content looking at myself in the mirror, saying how pretty I was, and listening to the latest pop artists. My mind is such an awfully overly selfobsessed place to exist in sometimes that it makes me take a step back and consider myself in a whole new light, granted a whole new dim light that doesn't last long and hardly shines over the constantly 'look at me' neon sign the rest of me holds before my eyes, but a light none the less.
Ok, so awhile ago I met a girl and the usual happened. Drunk guy meets drunk girl and drunk happeninings occur. The, somewhat awkward, End. But it was a little more than that as we both chatted a bit more, and we both got to know each other, and in the end after a few 'which way is this going to go' moments, comparable to a precarious tight rope walker balancing a large and somewhat awkward stick, it flipped completely and I entered the friendzone, as per fucking usual. I mean, you could literally plan a complex and intricate timetable around my ability to enter the friendzone at such rates. Just know that within a few days of meeting a girl, no longer will I be 'that cute guy I once met and now kinda like' guy, but the nameless guy that gets cobbled together with the bunch of other male mates that didn't make the cut and somehow doesn't stick out enough to ever be considered an appropriate candidate. The annoying thing is that to some extent this is FINE.
I mean, I am still in an emotionally complex area with another girl, to which previous posts may have been addressed, and I may, or may not, only like this girl as a friend. But when you're drunk, as I may well currently be, and you're kind of thinking things through a bit too much, as I also may currently be, then your just damn well stuck and what makes the matter worse in when you watch said girl leave arm in arm, a position you previously forefilled, with another guy. Now don't get me wrong, I am not an arrogant prick, no matter how much I self loathingly tell myself I am, and I respect a person's right to do something that doesn't involve me, though it is morally questionable why someone would want to do something that doesn't involve me and the whole thing should be brought before a court, but at the end of the day it still hits home. Argueably some things hit home more than others and its apparent that maybe I should accept such a thing and not let it work itself on me, but it still hits home goddamnit. Watching a girl your 'mates' and also to some extent 'cuddle buddies' (like fuck buddies but with more cuddling and less fucking) with walk home with someone else should be an acceptable walk in the park not something that gets me down and has me being all depressed for the last few hours I am awake.
I really just think to much about so little. I get worked up about the tiniest things, things that should even really matter, and why? because I am a spoilt, egotistical, only child, who somehow, without even realising it at times, weighs himself above others. In a way this dates back to the time when I was an overly romatic son-of-a-bitch who heralded "love" as the next coming of a savior with belief that love could conquer all and could hold true under most, if not all, situations. After a slap in the face with reality and confirmation that love was indeed not the best and most cherished thing in the world as in most cases it was just emotions completely warping your view, I was on my way again, but there's still a part of me that thinks he can not only have his cake and eat it but also have a few dozen cakes, each with extra frosting and eat them all, one by one, and still have room for coffee afterwards.
It's getting about the time that I actually sat back and considered what was what and who was where and why was how in my life... not that that make's the tiniest smidgen of sense but I am sure you, the average, and obviously bored, reader understand what I am waffling on about. It's the kind of thought everyone probably gets but nobody probably explains. The sort of taboo subject that wont ever get brought up despite everyone thinking it.
God knows.
Sometimes life would be so much better if I was just blissfully ignorant, unaware of the happenings around me and more content looking at myself in the mirror, saying how pretty I was, and listening to the latest pop artists. My mind is such an awfully overly selfobsessed place to exist in sometimes that it makes me take a step back and consider myself in a whole new light, granted a whole new dim light that doesn't last long and hardly shines over the constantly 'look at me' neon sign the rest of me holds before my eyes, but a light none the less.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Desperation? Pfft!
Appart from the fact its so cold in this house you could freeze a whores friction riddled flaps together I have little else to talk about.
I could address my last post, but it just makes it ever more clear that I need to stay off the internet when I am drunk, not to mention Ebay purchasing aswell. My previous post did make a lot of sense at the time and still to me makes a lot of sense now, however cave from which I mined that little nugget started purely out of me OVER thinking.. AGAIN... and Misjudging a situation... AGAIN. My life is definitly one of patterns.
So lets talk about something different.
When you break up with someone you never fully reliquish the ties, or the responsibilities. To whatever extent you are still part of thatpairing and still will look after each other. Ok, when relationships end with the 'Fuck off and die' kind of approach it might be kind of different, but I am talking about a sensible and mature breakup here.
Now I am fine with my Ex having a new bf, and fine with not speaking as much as we used to and I would be fine, to some extent, if she fell for a mate. If by any chance some love flower blossomed between my ex and one of my best male friends, I'd accept it. What we had was over and thats fine. But when you have a mate who is when a description of 'desperate' is an understatement and its surprising he hasn't sought after inanimate objects as a way to release his tension.
When he's drunk he's after whatever he can get, and I just don't like my Ex being seen as 'Whatever he can get' to me she is more than just a slab of meat he can have some casual meaningless sex with because he can't get anyone else. Not to mention she currently has a Boyfriend and I know she wouldn't cheat. As I said before, if some love had blossomed between the two it would be different, but when he is making desperate, and lets get this straight I've heard the things he was doing, offering, even after several very obvious declines and it was VERY desperate, I don't like it, and it really, really, annoys me. It's even more annoying when the excuse is 'Yeh, you know what I am like when I am drunk'.
Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing, I often do that as has been seen, but still. She deserves more than being treated as little more than a moving blowup doll with little more intention than for him to unfill his obviously bursting balls.
Sure this will pass, but for now... Might as well blog it ay?
I could address my last post, but it just makes it ever more clear that I need to stay off the internet when I am drunk, not to mention Ebay purchasing aswell. My previous post did make a lot of sense at the time and still to me makes a lot of sense now, however cave from which I mined that little nugget started purely out of me OVER thinking.. AGAIN... and Misjudging a situation... AGAIN. My life is definitly one of patterns.
So lets talk about something different.
When you break up with someone you never fully reliquish the ties, or the responsibilities. To whatever extent you are still part of thatpairing and still will look after each other. Ok, when relationships end with the 'Fuck off and die' kind of approach it might be kind of different, but I am talking about a sensible and mature breakup here.
Now I am fine with my Ex having a new bf, and fine with not speaking as much as we used to and I would be fine, to some extent, if she fell for a mate. If by any chance some love flower blossomed between my ex and one of my best male friends, I'd accept it. What we had was over and thats fine. But when you have a mate who is when a description of 'desperate' is an understatement and its surprising he hasn't sought after inanimate objects as a way to release his tension.
When he's drunk he's after whatever he can get, and I just don't like my Ex being seen as 'Whatever he can get' to me she is more than just a slab of meat he can have some casual meaningless sex with because he can't get anyone else. Not to mention she currently has a Boyfriend and I know she wouldn't cheat. As I said before, if some love had blossomed between the two it would be different, but when he is making desperate, and lets get this straight I've heard the things he was doing, offering, even after several very obvious declines and it was VERY desperate, I don't like it, and it really, really, annoys me. It's even more annoying when the excuse is 'Yeh, you know what I am like when I am drunk'.
Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing, I often do that as has been seen, but still. She deserves more than being treated as little more than a moving blowup doll with little more intention than for him to unfill his obviously bursting balls.
Sure this will pass, but for now... Might as well blog it ay?
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Euuugh
I believe too firmly in idea's than actualities. Not out of common sense, or in fact any successful previous research, but more than likely out of false hope, ability to ignore my own advice, and down right stupidity.
I tend to get lost in the world of "What if?"'s. Not 'What if this WOULD have happened?' but more like 'What if this DOES happen'. I start to care a lot, perhaps too much, about what will happen if I do, or don't do, a certain thing. I.e., With women, and it's always with women, as thats what my mind is so thoroughly wrapped around, and thats what I like to consider... the fact I have all these opputunities at my desposale, never want to act upon one more than the other but then probably don't even have the opputunity to act on any of them.
See, the thing is, in a... I suppose... Arrogant kind of way, I like to imagine my chances, and possiblities, and most probably delude myself in this same sense.
I think I am the kind of guy that will constantly get stuck in the "friend zone" and will constantly fall too hard and too far.
Maybe its that, or the alcohol...
I tend to get lost in the world of "What if?"'s. Not 'What if this WOULD have happened?' but more like 'What if this DOES happen'. I start to care a lot, perhaps too much, about what will happen if I do, or don't do, a certain thing. I.e., With women, and it's always with women, as thats what my mind is so thoroughly wrapped around, and thats what I like to consider... the fact I have all these opputunities at my desposale, never want to act upon one more than the other but then probably don't even have the opputunity to act on any of them.
See, the thing is, in a... I suppose... Arrogant kind of way, I like to imagine my chances, and possiblities, and most probably delude myself in this same sense.
I think I am the kind of guy that will constantly get stuck in the "friend zone" and will constantly fall too hard and too far.
Maybe its that, or the alcohol...
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